Since the announcement of Amazon’s plan to set up half of its newest headquarters in Queens, New Yorkers have been lamenting over the pros and cons of the deal: Will locals get the new jobs? Isn’t traffic unbearable enough? Can New York’s infrastructure handle another massive complex? More unaffordable housing – really?? Albeit valid debates across the board, the cacophony of those arguments have drowned out other changes both New Yorkers and Jeff Bezos may have overlooked. Here are a few…

  • “MetroCard PRIME” holders will get to their destinations 20 minutes earlier than everyone else. 
  •  Shipments from Seattle will arrive sooner than those from Long Island City because air travel is still faster than the BQE.
  • Alexa will replace “411”, but no one will notice because no one has used “411” since 1992.
  • Thanks to Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods, your local bodega will now carry quinoa and tempeh.
  • Jeff Bezos, the richest man in America, will admit even HE can’t afford a cross-borough Uber on a Saturday night.
  • Shoplifters can now use the “I thought it was an Amazon Go!” defense.
  • New residents will quickly learn the “A” train is NOT a direct subway line to Amazon’s headquarters.
  • The Times Square subway stop is where you’ll go to find “peace & quiet” from 24-hour HQ2 construction.
  • City pigeons will replace Amazon drones because their aim is more accurate.
  • The biggest fight in the Bezos divorce will be over who gets to keep their New York rent-controlled apartment!